Identity and name

It's so nice to be back! Since I realised that this blog could be found on Google when people did a name search, I didn't feel comfortable exposing everything personal on it, so I removed certain content, particularly because I had started a new job and I am cagey about private matters at work - I try to keep the two distinct when I can. And for a while everything I was living felt too personal to write about, not because I didn't want readers or friends to know, but because didn't want people who know me in a professional capacity to have binoculars into my life. I find it strange that I feel comfortable exposing things to people I haven't met, yet in a certain sphere I am reluctant to give of myself.

My identity has always been tied up with my name. My maiden surname is very distinct, and in Israel well known. It evokes a certain time and place, and it is exotic sounding. No-one could ever spell it - that part was annoying - but only my family has it. It's pretty cool to know that anyone you stumble upon with the same name is related to you. Also, on a practical note, I never needed my customer ID number for anything because I was almost always guaranteed to be the only one with my name. I am an only child, so that also factored into my thinking about whether to change my name. If I changed it it would die out on my side of the family. It felt like a lack of allegiance to my parents. I knew they wanted me to keep my name. My mother kept her maiden name at work and changed it for anything personal.

I had a real dilemma on my hands - I just didn't know what to do. In the end I changed my name, not at all sure I had done the right thing. I would pick up the phone and begin to say Vanessa Oldlastname and stop myself, sounding crazy. I couldn't quite utter my new name so would pick up and say 'hello' - completely inappropriate in the legal sphere!

But, I am growing into my new name, liking having a more 'usual' name. Almost everything has now been changed over but my passport, because I fly weekly, and I caught myself looking at my maiden name on it and thinking 'that's not right'. So the shift has occurred. It is nice to share a name with Marc, it makes me feel as though we are our own family. And I have come to realise that by changing names I am not letting go of the past that made me who I am, just taking on a name that reflects who I want to become.

Married!

It has taken me so long to come back to blogging, maybe I needed to miss it to return; I don't know. We had a beautiful wedding, it was everything we had hoped for and more! I'm going to do a proper recap, but for now some photos!

It feels so different to be married - I feel a deep sense of belonging that I have never had, which says a lot considering I have never felt I didn't belong. It's hard to put that bond, that commitment, into words. I'm so happy to be Marc's wife!

Back and update

So here I am, back on the blog! I had missed blogging, but I couldn't unfortunately. My blog can be found on the internet when people look for my name, and I was going through recruitment processes where I needed to be anonymous. What there was to blog about I didn't want the world to know. I hadn't told my new employers about the wedding yet... so I had my reasons.

But I missed the blog and so I'm hoping to pick up where I left off.

Before I do, an update:

1. Less than 2 months till the wedding! Invites are out as of yesterday! It was a huge task to finish DIYing these, but they are finally done!

2. I am living in Guernsey for a few months with my new job. Guernsey is part of the Channel Islands. It's green and beautiful and people are so friendly. It was the only UK territory to be occupied in World War II. I'm looking forward to discovering more of its history as I stay here.

Yes, it's hard to be away from home (again) but it's a wonderful career opportunity. The City of London is so depressed that I had to be open minded and this company has been incredibly good to me. I hope I can make a good go of it. I'm travelling back and forth quite a bit, which is tiring, but it's worth it.

Hope you're all still around... looking forward to commenting more again and renewing the contact.

xxxx

Dress doubt

Where does it come from? Does everyone experience it? It seems as though so many ladies on the Knot go through this, but sometimes I can't help but wonder whether there is a whole other normal word of ladies out there who don't obsess on wedding websites. Women who buy a dress and think no more of it.

I for one definitely had dress doubt. I tried dresses on alone, then brought my mother along with me to buy the dress I had chosen (which she also liked). I had only tried on about 10 dresses at that point. After I tried mine on, I didn't want to look at any more. Sure, some might be more flattering or opulent but my dress made me look like the image of the bride I had always had in my head: feminine, lovely, on the modest side. So many dresses are beautiful in and of themselves but not all, I thought, felt right for a wedding and this one did.

So what happened? What shook my conviction? Well, I showed photos of myself in the sample and no-one particularly liked the dress. On the dress board of the Knot, people said they weren't sure anything could be done to make it fit better. The size of the wedding grew. Suddenly perhaps my dress was too simple and sweet to stand up to so many people.

What did I do? I stressed. I became weird weepy anal bride and it's a surprise Marc's still around! But, slowly slowly I calmed down, resolved that I didn't want to buy another dress, and decided to wait to till the fittings to see what I thought.

And you guessed it. At the fittings I loved my dress. It fit beautifully. I felt even better than when I bought it. I didn't want to take it off and was sad to leave it in the dress shop.

So why do people doubt their dress so much? I have a few ideas...

1. They keep looking. There are so many dresses that could look good, as good if not better than the dress you chose. Looking doesn't help.

2. The time in between ordering and seeing the dress. It's torture. Time to look. Time to stress.

3. This is one of the most expensive purchases a woman makes on herself, and is probably the only one that is non-returnable and subject to as much scrutiny.

4. Pressure from/opinions of others. I don't like many of the dresses that people rave about on the Knot. Why, then, should I be upset when people don't like mine? There are so many trends and if a dress doesn't fit into one some won't like it.

5. The excitement? The thrill of trying on dresses, knowing it's the only time of life you can, and the thrill of ordering a wedding dress. It is so exciting and once you've done it it's behind you.

If you're doubting your dress remember: people won't know the other alternatives you had, and if you picked it's because you felt great in it, which really is all that matters. Stop looking at dresses and move on to another planning stage. Remember that you will be beautiful no matter what.

Did you have dress doubt? Please share your experiences - I'd love to read them!

Bought Marc's wedding band

Yesterday I ordered Marc's wedding band!

Months ago we looked in Tiffany's and he tried on lots of rings. He thought he'd want a plain platinum band but ended up not liking it on his finger and choosing a milgrain band. It looked so good - it was so happy-making to see Marc wearing a wedding band!

I went to the jewellery district in London, where Dad has contacts, to find a place to order the ring. Somehow I didn't find the experience particularly confidence inspiring for some reason.

Also, I've just moved to another area and didn't think I'd have much control over the process if it took place in London, so instead I ordered Marc's ring online. I think I got an ok deal, but mostly I just really like the ring he picked! Can't wait till it arrives!

I bought Marc's ring from a site called www.weddingrings-direct.com. I totally thought I'd end up buying from BlueNile, but I was so disappointed by their customer service. I was put on hold for about half an hour twice, and when I finally got through they couldn't get me the ring in Marc's finger size because it's smaller than the average man's size. They don't go out of their way for you at all, which I thought was pretty poor. The site I ordered from had incredibly friendly people on the other side of the phone and was a pleasure to do business with.

I feel relieved to have that out of the way and I just hope it fits and that Marc likes it when it comes in.

Tomorrow I'll post about my ring: it's turned into a bit of a saga! In the meantime I leave you with a picture of Marc's ring from www.weddingrings-direct.com

My Dress

Finally, now that I have moved all the wedding content to this blog, I can post a photo of my wedding dress! I bought it in Israel after becoming engaged and whilst I have doubted my choice at times, I do love it and am excited to go and be fitted in a few weeks' time! It'll be wonderful to try on 'my' dress, the one I know I will be married in.

It was designed by an Israeli designer and is made in Israel by new immigrants. I deliberately wanted to buy a dress that would support the Israeli economy and provide jobs rather than order one in from China.

My dress is being custom made for me as well, which is always a nice extra!

Invitation tags

Making the front labels for our invitations is probably the most annoying part of DIYing invitations. It's the only cutting I've done myself, and I'm glad there's not much left to do. It's difficult to get straight lines and I'm finding that I'm a bit of a perfectionist on that front.

I take a piece of ivory paper, measure, draw grid lines, so that the piece of paper has lots of evenly sized ivory rectangles. I then cut the paper into long vertical strips and then stamp row by row. This is important because I am only using a part of the leaf stamp, so I need a cut edge or the foliage would stamp onto the next row. I hope this makes sense (if not, let me know).

I had brown strips left over from the paper cutting I had done, and I have been using these for the brown backing. I stick the ivory stamped rectangle onto the brown card using a Pritt stick, then trim the brown backing with sharp Fiskars scissors. There you have it.

I got the monogram stamp made for us on Etsy (love that side SO much) and the leaf/foliage stamp on Ebay. I have to say that I adore the look of the stamps together as I think it's a little unusual yet classy. I've now made about 130 invitations - about 70 left!