Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Your posts and me

I have never failed to post for so many days in a row. How I miss it! I miss you all! I miss the creativity and thought that goes into posts. I miss our conversations. And I have so much to tell you. So much to say about leaving Paris, about being back home in London, about my dreams and thoughts, about turning a year older and even about some baking adventures.

These things will come, but I am in the midst of a work nightmare, spending most of my nights (and some of the weekend) in the office and there is no time. I believe that things happen for a reason though, that we are meant to have various experiences to give us the realisations and perspective that we need to navigate our lives in the right direction. After the initial shock of finding myself in a difficult and emotionally draining work situation I now firmly believe that it was meant to stop me in my tracks and force me to evaluate my priorities. It is easy to shut yourself off in a whilwind of work and not ask yourself important questions for lack of time and sheer energy. Sometimes I wonder where the last six years have gone and feel as though I'm still 20 but today I feel older and wiser than my younger self. These long hours at the firm, leaving at midnight, enduring difficult treatment, being stripped of my passions and hobbies, I realise that this isn't what I want, unequivocally, and that I have the strength and introspection to be honest with myself about that. In the past I wanted what I thought I was meant to want. I am perhaps for the first time listening to myself, really listening, and despite the barrage at work it feels so good.

I never thought when I started blogging that it would turn into such a conversation - that the blogs that I read would tell me about myself, about who I want to be, about what I believe in. As I read your blogs at work, I am reminded about all that is true and good and all that I believe in. Perhaps my favourite post ever, by Amy about her son Alex, makes me realise that it is not just what we do or achieve that defines us but who we are. As I read her posts about family, bloggers' posts about their creative businesses, from wedding planners to cookery school teachers, incredible mothers, fabulous bakers, women in their twenties and thirties figuring it out, much like myself, I remember what matters, what love and passion can achieve. I am also reminded of what it means to be a woman, for all these women, all of you, are so amazing to me.

So another thank you from me for sharing your lives and passions - they infuse my days with impromptu smiles and plant dreams in my tired overworked mind.


Pearl said...

oh vanessa, that was one of the most honest, heartwrenching and pure posts I've read in a while.

do you know, perhaps, if your current career is still something that you can imagine yourself doing for a long while? but perhaps in a different type of setting?

miss your posts immensely. you have such a way with words - beauty flows so effortlessly from you.

The Adventuresome Road to Where? said...

so glad to see a post from you, it's good to see you are in better spirits. the way i see it is you have to get a little lost to find out who you are and what is important to you. in the end it will make you a better/stronger person. i'm in a similar place right now, i don't have the stress of long hours and a horrible boss, but i'm re-evaluating what it is i want out of life. someday we'll get it figured out!!

emlizalmo said...

This is such a beautiful post Vanessa. I feel like I know you. You have enriched my life through things you have said and taught me. It sure is easy to become distracted in our hectic lives, isn't it? I feel so fortunate to have friends, friends like you, who can remind me what matters. We can all remind eachother when we forget or lose focus. Isn't that a blessing? I hope that s you decide what is best for you and your future that you will remember YOU. You are beautiful, kind, intelligent, giving, thoughtful, hard-working. THAT is you. :)